I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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