Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
