Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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