Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Watching her eat just hurts me
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
