He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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