Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
