these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
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