Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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