His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
