I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
be right there i have to get my cape
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
