So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
