Pappa wants mamma naked
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
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He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
We left the knife in your bed.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
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Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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