clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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