She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
