Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
