I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
