mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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