He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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