Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
