Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
