i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Randomize
