so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
