On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
