I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
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Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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