so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
