My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
