Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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