listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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