Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
