help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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