the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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