Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
