Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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