I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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