i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
