Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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