I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
