I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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