I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
