my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
