I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
