I cannot find my penis.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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