3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
