Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
