I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
