I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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