I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
