i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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