I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
