I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
