i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
So many bounce houses so little time
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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