I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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