Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
We left the knife in your bed.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
