I'm jealous of your bromance
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
What a dumb baby whore.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Drake has all the answers
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
