he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
