So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
