Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I puked a lego.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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