She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
