It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
