Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
