Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
