i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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