If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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