Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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